Ho Hum.

So the new Bionic Woman premiered tonight, or maybe it did last night and I just watched the Tivo tonight. It's strange, I can tell the show is really trying to be good, trying to be dark, but it's just barely interesting. I was disappointed really. The acting was awful, the dialogue was absurd, and the direction, well, the direction was really, really bad. Did I mention the acting was awful? And the new Bionic Woman, Michelle Ryan, isn't hot. At all. She has a GINORMOUS Kirk Douglas chin. What the fuck is the deal with that? No hot chick?? She's got huge love bags, which is cool. Man that sucks. I had really high hopes for the show. Don't know why.

I have a feeling we are going to see a lot more comic book/geek-related shows with Heroes being a hit. Good and bad for me. Good because I am a geek, and bad since like everything else Hollywood fucks up, we'll get saturated with shows, most of which will just plain suck.

Still can't get past how much that Japanese kid annoys the fuck out of me to actually watch that Heroes, but people whom I respect swear by it, so that may be the next viewing after I get finished with Arrested Development and then re-watch Arrested Development 17 more times.

You Motherfucker.

About a month ago or so, I was on my favorite file sharing software which will remain nameless. The purpose of my use that day was, surprisingly, not porn or music downloads. The purpose was to obtain a photo shopping software since I have been wanting to get a version for some time, but refuse to drop the $350 or whatever the hell it is to buy it retail.

I do my search, find the software, download it, and then install it. And then I realize I fucked up. I really fucked up.

I've owned my current computer for about 4 years now. A dinosaur by some standards, but I keep it updated, virus free, running smoothly. I know a pretty decent amount about computers. My dad worked for IBM for 30 years for Christ's sake. I know more about computers than the average shmo,' but not enough to build my own by any means. Anyway, sure enough, I downloaded a big, fat, beautiful package of spy ware. The second I was done installing it was like I flipped the fucking switch on Sky Net. Computer got real slow, nothing would execute, pictures wouldn't open. A few hours later I started getting pop ups, and some whore's voice letting me know I've won a new Ipod. A few days later I basically didn't have a computer.

Only last night did I finally pick the correct anti-spyware which has fixed most of the kinks. Not all of them, but enough. I also finally let go of Internet Explorer and switched to the dark side with Mozilla Firefox. Faster, bigger screen, more options, blah, blah, blah. Uh, dude, do yourself a favor and get Mozilla. You're welcome.

My point is this. Who are these fucking people that sit around and write these programs? Spam, viruses, trojan horses, spy ware. You fucking turds have to be the lowest form of life. First, they have to be geeks, right? This is the true revenge of the nerds. It's not winning Homecoming, it's fucking up everything for the rest of us. Computer terrorist nerds. Whatever, here's the deal. The next time one of you fucks is interviewed on, let's say, television, I will find where you live, come to you, burn your house to the ground, and then stab you in the neck with a pen. I know. Harsh. But these people do not deserve to live. They don't. I'd rather let someone who fucks dogs live next to me, or even eff my dog, than let even one of these motherfuckers live. So as random as your spy ware found me, is as random the next one of you must die. Yes, I downloaded the program, yes, I thought I was stealing the program, and yes, it is directly "my fault." Semantics. You or someone like you wrote the program, and now you or someone like you must die.

Goddamn nerds.

My Theory (The Ladies Edition)

On my last post, yes, as pointed out by someone (Meh!) I failed to include a single chick on the list. As I told her, I had some in mind, but simply forgot to add them. But quite honestly, I can't think of many to put on the list. I just can't. Sure, there are a shit load of women who have made our world better, easier to live in, but that's not the standard.

I will try my best:

Aretha Franklin (she does have the voice of God, she does, but the picture above makes me less hungry)

Virgin Mary (whether a virgin or not)

Madonna

Oprah

Queen Elizabeth I

Joan of Arc

Joan Rivers

It's all I got. I'm sorry.

I love you bitches. I do. Sorry.

My Theory

Since high school, perhaps even earlier when I first experimented with . . . stuff . . . I had an epiphany (of sorts). A moment of clarity that I believe alcoholics refer to as, "Fuck it, I can drive, give me another beer." It was a theory, an unproven, unscientific hypothesis that all great, important, and extraordinary artists, statesmen, musicians, athletes, scholars, scientists, inventors, writers, etc., are, in a word . . . aliens.

I know what you're saying, "Wow, how original." But fuck you and your sarcastic tone. It is an original theory, and some day it will make me mildly to nominally rich. What makes it original, I think, is that I am not referring to just any famous person. No, celebrity is not the standard. I'm not even referring to only good and righteous people. My theory is more complicated than that. What I am saying is that the TRULY gifted, the TRULY extraordinary, whether good or evil, are FUCKING ALIENS.

First, some examples. Then I will explain why.

Albert Einstein

Lincoln
Julius Caesar
Michelangelo
Da Vinci
Mozart
Hitler
George Lucas (although his mother planet removed his brain in 1983, and replaced it with that of a normal, ordinary human brain)
Shakespeare
Jesus
Miles Davis
Attila the Hun
Duane Allman
Ali
Gandhi
Bob Dylan
Roger Federer
James Joyce
FDR
Martin Luther King
Frank Sinatra
John Coltrane
Nixon
Benjamin Franklin
Marlon Brando
Elvis
Pol Pot
Beethoven
Bill Gates
Eddie Van Halen
Me
Pink Floyd
Michael Jordon
Napoleon
Tiger Woods
Lenin
Stalin
Thomas Edison
Stephen Hawking
JFK
Thomas Jefferson
Pele
Babe Ruth
Nero
Beatles/Rolling Stones (not all members of course)
U2
Scorsese
Spielberg

You get the point, and you can probably think of some on your own. But as far as the "why," it is actually quite simple. The theory is that from the beginning of man, aliens have been sent here to advance mankind. That's it. Without aliens, without their extraordinary abilities in a given field, the human race as we know it would not and could not have evolved. Why? Because you, your friend, you parents, your neighbor, every other normal, ordinary human you know and see everyday is not great enough to achieve, think of, or come up with a fraction of this shit. Thus, as mankind has evolved, and when necessary, a new alien is sent to render a new achievement which only before was thought impossible thereby allowing mankind to adapt and grow.

The evil aliens? They are here to keep the balance. Maybe they came here as good aliens and something got fucked up on the trip. I dunno. Are they from their own "evil planet?" What, am I crazy? No idea. What I do know is that mankind, as a species, has very inherent, very noticeable, very real limitations that the ordinary, average, everyday human cannot overcome. You can be a mean guitar player, but you'll never come up with the shit Van Halen, Clapton or Allman did. Can shoot hoops, maybe even got signed to an NBA contract? Who cares and who will remember you 1000 years from now. See also Anderson Varejao blog. You may have great writing ability, but alas you'll never change the world. And that's just it, changing the world, forever altering the course of mankind. As far as why aliens choose to help us along? Also, no idea. Maybe sent by God, a god, the Matrix, I have no idea. All I know is that, in general, they make my life easier to live.

The point is, you or someone you know may be exceptionally talented in a given field. Good for you. Good for them. But no amount of normal human ability can explain Pink Floyd's "Shine On You Crazy Diamond," or every note Miles Davis or John Coltrane ever played, or every word Shakespeare wrote, or every Michelangelo statue sculpted or fresco painted, or every effortless home run Babe Ruth hit. This list is finite, it is small, and it is exclusive. It has maybe 100, maybe less than 100 available spots to date. It is an extraordinary club made up of motherfucking aliens. That's my theory, and if you don't believe me, that's fine. But first you have to explain Professor Stephen Hawking to me fucktard. Exactly.

Whatever, it would make a kick ass comic book at least.