My Theory

Since high school, perhaps even earlier when I first experimented with . . . stuff . . . I had an epiphany (of sorts). A moment of clarity that I believe alcoholics refer to as, "Fuck it, I can drive, give me another beer." It was a theory, an unproven, unscientific hypothesis that all great, important, and extraordinary artists, statesmen, musicians, athletes, scholars, scientists, inventors, writers, etc., are, in a word . . . aliens.

I know what you're saying, "Wow, how original." But fuck you and your sarcastic tone. It is an original theory, and some day it will make me mildly to nominally rich. What makes it original, I think, is that I am not referring to just any famous person. No, celebrity is not the standard. I'm not even referring to only good and righteous people. My theory is more complicated than that. What I am saying is that the TRULY gifted, the TRULY extraordinary, whether good or evil, are FUCKING ALIENS.

First, some examples. Then I will explain why.

Albert Einstein

Lincoln
Julius Caesar
Michelangelo
Da Vinci
Mozart
Hitler
George Lucas (although his mother planet removed his brain in 1983, and replaced it with that of a normal, ordinary human brain)
Shakespeare
Jesus
Miles Davis
Attila the Hun
Duane Allman
Ali
Gandhi
Bob Dylan
Roger Federer
James Joyce
FDR
Martin Luther King
Frank Sinatra
John Coltrane
Nixon
Benjamin Franklin
Marlon Brando
Elvis
Pol Pot
Beethoven
Bill Gates
Eddie Van Halen
Me
Pink Floyd
Michael Jordon
Napoleon
Tiger Woods
Lenin
Stalin
Thomas Edison
Stephen Hawking
JFK
Thomas Jefferson
Pele
Babe Ruth
Nero
Beatles/Rolling Stones (not all members of course)
U2
Scorsese
Spielberg

You get the point, and you can probably think of some on your own. But as far as the "why," it is actually quite simple. The theory is that from the beginning of man, aliens have been sent here to advance mankind. That's it. Without aliens, without their extraordinary abilities in a given field, the human race as we know it would not and could not have evolved. Why? Because you, your friend, you parents, your neighbor, every other normal, ordinary human you know and see everyday is not great enough to achieve, think of, or come up with a fraction of this shit. Thus, as mankind has evolved, and when necessary, a new alien is sent to render a new achievement which only before was thought impossible thereby allowing mankind to adapt and grow.

The evil aliens? They are here to keep the balance. Maybe they came here as good aliens and something got fucked up on the trip. I dunno. Are they from their own "evil planet?" What, am I crazy? No idea. What I do know is that mankind, as a species, has very inherent, very noticeable, very real limitations that the ordinary, average, everyday human cannot overcome. You can be a mean guitar player, but you'll never come up with the shit Van Halen, Clapton or Allman did. Can shoot hoops, maybe even got signed to an NBA contract? Who cares and who will remember you 1000 years from now. See also Anderson Varejao blog. You may have great writing ability, but alas you'll never change the world. And that's just it, changing the world, forever altering the course of mankind. As far as why aliens choose to help us along? Also, no idea. Maybe sent by God, a god, the Matrix, I have no idea. All I know is that, in general, they make my life easier to live.

The point is, you or someone you know may be exceptionally talented in a given field. Good for you. Good for them. But no amount of normal human ability can explain Pink Floyd's "Shine On You Crazy Diamond," or every note Miles Davis or John Coltrane ever played, or every word Shakespeare wrote, or every Michelangelo statue sculpted or fresco painted, or every effortless home run Babe Ruth hit. This list is finite, it is small, and it is exclusive. It has maybe 100, maybe less than 100 available spots to date. It is an extraordinary club made up of motherfucking aliens. That's my theory, and if you don't believe me, that's fine. But first you have to explain Professor Stephen Hawking to me fucktard. Exactly.

Whatever, it would make a kick ass comic book at least.