What the Fuck? Yes, Tell Me How to Get the Fuck BACK to Sesame Street.

So, with my son beginning to appreciate the wonderful creation that is educational TV, I in turn have rediscovered Sesame Street. Sure, it was always there, has always been there, but I haven't watched it since my own childhood...or college when I was smoking doobies.

We started watching with my son like only two or three months ago, and like only two or three months ago, the opening song had not changed. At all. The melody, rhythm, timing, and timeless (yet senseless) lyrics have remained, for over 30 years, unchanged. Like whispering in a library, making fun of retarded people, laughing at farts, and yelling at very old people, Sesame Street's opening song has remained a constant in our lives. IT HAS NOT FUCKING CHANGED. Well, until about a month or so ago.

We TiVo the hell out of Sesame Street. At some point in time, the opening song to Sesame Street changed. Completely. The only remaining similarity? The lyrics. The rhythm, timing, and oh my God the melody, the fucking melody, are GONE!! What is it now? It's a hip-hop, urban beat, children singing off-key (another similarity I guess), fresh piece of shit. Oh sure, the song has had some slight variations through the years, but not much. It was always the same song. Same melody. Hell, the clip I found is THE original opening from the 70's I think, and even it's the jam.

How can this happen? Why did this happen? What fucking 20 something fresh out of college fuckhead business degree shithead decided, "Oh I know what would freshen things up! Oh, I know what the kids want to hear today! Oh, I'm a worthless douche bag, my college ideas and sensibilities have relevance, I deserve to be listened to, I know what's hip, what's now, what's hot, what's not."

I want to meet the fucking morons that 1) thought it would be a good idea to look at a "new approach" to a 30 year old masterpiece, and 2) actually signed the death certificate of the original, thereby green lighting this boil on my ass of a song. Listen, I get it. Hip hop is the classic rock of tomorrow. Some of it is very, very good. But a lot of it, like a lot of classic rock of yesterday, is complete and utter shit. But the original opening Sesame Street song? Come the fuck on. It was the jam. It was and had groove. It was honest, it was earnest, and maybe was one of the most recognizable opening TV songs of all time. And now it's gone. Good job fuck-o's. Don't you cunts have something better to do, like another Jager Bomb and a date rape or two? Quit messing with art.

Here they are. Tell me I'm wrong.

The new.



The original.

Hey UConn. Fuck You.

17 to 14. And Larry Taylor, wipe that fucking smile off your face.

Bait and Take!

So the wife, sister-in-law, Duck and I took a weekend vacation. The wife and her sister pushed on to NC to visit a new arrival, while the Duck and I kicked it in VA for the weekend so he can get his shit this week and move back to the beautiful weather, clean river, and GREAT sports teams that is the 'Ville. God I hate this city. I had a great time. But to make a long story kinda short, Saturday was "All Sports Saturday." We awoke around 11, watched some of the 'Arrested Development' marathon on G4, and decided to check out the situation at the local public baseball diamond/football field to either, you guessed it, hit some baseballs or play some football.

When we pulled up, there were 4 (later 5) high school age kids already throwing a football around. They asked if we wanted to play. We said sure. Turns out these kids play on the local high school football team. Only two could actually play. But what makes this story half way interesting (or funny) is that one of the kids who was on our team stood about 4 foot something, was fast as hell, even without proper shoes, and who we were sure was a bit. . . retarded. Well, not TOTALLY retarded, but kinda slow, you know? Two crazy fucking midgets in the past two weekends? How can this be??

His football advice/orders were priceless. Like, "Bait and Take!" wherein you play off a receiver, bait them into getting a pass, and then intercept. Bait and take! We played for like an hour and a half. Our team dominated. I haven't done anything close to exercise since the last time I played a pick up game of football, and that was like a year+ ago, but I didn't suck. I just couldn't breath. Anyway, their youth be damned, we were fucking tired and sore, and had to call it quits. As we were driving away I remarked that I kept wanting to call our short teammate "Eazy" after Compton's own Eric "Eazy-E" Wright. Mixing "Bait and Take!" with Eazy's lyrics provided comedy gold the rest of the weekend. We rested, watched more 'Arrested Development,' watched Kentucky beat LSU (whatever), and then went back up there to hit baseballs for an hour. Then we watched the Red Sox get beat.

Football, football. Baseball, baseball.

I can't feel my shins.

My Weekend.

So two buddies and I saw 'Killers of Comedy' last Friday. Maybe one of the strangest nights of my life. Afterwards, I stole a picture with Beetlejuice (a.k.a. Lester Green). I say "stole" since Beetle yelled at me that I didn't buy a $20 DVD first before taking the picture, which we reassured and lied to him that I did. He responded, "Iiight." Crazy fucking midget.

Ho Hum.

So the new Bionic Woman premiered tonight, or maybe it did last night and I just watched the Tivo tonight. It's strange, I can tell the show is really trying to be good, trying to be dark, but it's just barely interesting. I was disappointed really. The acting was awful, the dialogue was absurd, and the direction, well, the direction was really, really bad. Did I mention the acting was awful? And the new Bionic Woman, Michelle Ryan, isn't hot. At all. She has a GINORMOUS Kirk Douglas chin. What the fuck is the deal with that? No hot chick?? She's got huge love bags, which is cool. Man that sucks. I had really high hopes for the show. Don't know why.

I have a feeling we are going to see a lot more comic book/geek-related shows with Heroes being a hit. Good and bad for me. Good because I am a geek, and bad since like everything else Hollywood fucks up, we'll get saturated with shows, most of which will just plain suck.

Still can't get past how much that Japanese kid annoys the fuck out of me to actually watch that Heroes, but people whom I respect swear by it, so that may be the next viewing after I get finished with Arrested Development and then re-watch Arrested Development 17 more times.

You Motherfucker.

About a month ago or so, I was on my favorite file sharing software which will remain nameless. The purpose of my use that day was, surprisingly, not porn or music downloads. The purpose was to obtain a photo shopping software since I have been wanting to get a version for some time, but refuse to drop the $350 or whatever the hell it is to buy it retail.

I do my search, find the software, download it, and then install it. And then I realize I fucked up. I really fucked up.

I've owned my current computer for about 4 years now. A dinosaur by some standards, but I keep it updated, virus free, running smoothly. I know a pretty decent amount about computers. My dad worked for IBM for 30 years for Christ's sake. I know more about computers than the average shmo,' but not enough to build my own by any means. Anyway, sure enough, I downloaded a big, fat, beautiful package of spy ware. The second I was done installing it was like I flipped the fucking switch on Sky Net. Computer got real slow, nothing would execute, pictures wouldn't open. A few hours later I started getting pop ups, and some whore's voice letting me know I've won a new Ipod. A few days later I basically didn't have a computer.

Only last night did I finally pick the correct anti-spyware which has fixed most of the kinks. Not all of them, but enough. I also finally let go of Internet Explorer and switched to the dark side with Mozilla Firefox. Faster, bigger screen, more options, blah, blah, blah. Uh, dude, do yourself a favor and get Mozilla. You're welcome.

My point is this. Who are these fucking people that sit around and write these programs? Spam, viruses, trojan horses, spy ware. You fucking turds have to be the lowest form of life. First, they have to be geeks, right? This is the true revenge of the nerds. It's not winning Homecoming, it's fucking up everything for the rest of us. Computer terrorist nerds. Whatever, here's the deal. The next time one of you fucks is interviewed on, let's say, television, I will find where you live, come to you, burn your house to the ground, and then stab you in the neck with a pen. I know. Harsh. But these people do not deserve to live. They don't. I'd rather let someone who fucks dogs live next to me, or even eff my dog, than let even one of these motherfuckers live. So as random as your spy ware found me, is as random the next one of you must die. Yes, I downloaded the program, yes, I thought I was stealing the program, and yes, it is directly "my fault." Semantics. You or someone like you wrote the program, and now you or someone like you must die.

Goddamn nerds.

My Theory (The Ladies Edition)

On my last post, yes, as pointed out by someone (Meh!) I failed to include a single chick on the list. As I told her, I had some in mind, but simply forgot to add them. But quite honestly, I can't think of many to put on the list. I just can't. Sure, there are a shit load of women who have made our world better, easier to live in, but that's not the standard.

I will try my best:

Aretha Franklin (she does have the voice of God, she does, but the picture above makes me less hungry)

Virgin Mary (whether a virgin or not)

Madonna

Oprah

Queen Elizabeth I

Joan of Arc

Joan Rivers

It's all I got. I'm sorry.

I love you bitches. I do. Sorry.