Dad's Dog

Clancy had been ailing for quite some time, and he was really my dad's dog. Actually, no "really" about it. He WAS my dad's dog. Best friends. And when he got home today from Florida he was just beaten up about not being there to say goodbye. Then my mom and I reminded him that Clancy was exactly where he was supposed to be when he passed.

On Friday's, my mom takes care of Luke and my niece Emma at her house. Emma is only younger than Luke by a few months, and they are basically brother and sister. Since they were infants, every Friday when Luke and Emma would get there, Clancy would bark and howl, jump around, bark some more. Loved his two babies, and the two babies loved Clancy. This past Friday was no different. Clancy could barely stand up straight, wasn't eating well, but when they got there, he barked, jumped around, chased them in the yard. He barked at my mom, as he did every Friday, so as to say, "They're here! Can you believe it?!?! They're here! They're here!" They hugged him, kissed his head, pretended to "walk" him. He kissed and nudged them back. They then all laid down for a nap on the couches in the family room, Clancy laying right under Luke. And then he simply, and as gently as he was in life, passed.

Dad understood then. Seriously, like something out of a goddamned movie those last few hours. December 8 will be a year since our own dog left us, and I've been reminded this weekend that I should be lucky to love, live, and show loyalty only half as well as a dog...

I Opened For Kansas Once...

Pretty long, but worth every second. Enjoy.

Chris Berman Goes Apeshit.

You don't even play a sport. You talk about them and make an insane amount of money for talking about them. Calm down.

What the Fuck? Yes, Tell Me How to Get the Fuck BACK to Sesame Street.

So, with my son beginning to appreciate the wonderful creation that is educational TV, I in turn have rediscovered Sesame Street. Sure, it was always there, has always been there, but I haven't watched it since my own childhood...or college when I was smoking doobies.

We started watching with my son like only two or three months ago, and like only two or three months ago, the opening song had not changed. At all. The melody, rhythm, timing, and timeless (yet senseless) lyrics have remained, for over 30 years, unchanged. Like whispering in a library, making fun of retarded people, laughing at farts, and yelling at very old people, Sesame Street's opening song has remained a constant in our lives. IT HAS NOT FUCKING CHANGED. Well, until about a month or so ago.

We TiVo the hell out of Sesame Street. At some point in time, the opening song to Sesame Street changed. Completely. The only remaining similarity? The lyrics. The rhythm, timing, and oh my God the melody, the fucking melody, are GONE!! What is it now? It's a hip-hop, urban beat, children singing off-key (another similarity I guess), fresh piece of shit. Oh sure, the song has had some slight variations through the years, but not much. It was always the same song. Same melody. Hell, the clip I found is THE original opening from the 70's I think, and even it's the jam.

How can this happen? Why did this happen? What fucking 20 something fresh out of college fuckhead business degree shithead decided, "Oh I know what would freshen things up! Oh, I know what the kids want to hear today! Oh, I'm a worthless douche bag, my college ideas and sensibilities have relevance, I deserve to be listened to, I know what's hip, what's now, what's hot, what's not."

I want to meet the fucking morons that 1) thought it would be a good idea to look at a "new approach" to a 30 year old masterpiece, and 2) actually signed the death certificate of the original, thereby green lighting this boil on my ass of a song. Listen, I get it. Hip hop is the classic rock of tomorrow. Some of it is very, very good. But a lot of it, like a lot of classic rock of yesterday, is complete and utter shit. But the original opening Sesame Street song? Come the fuck on. It was the jam. It was and had groove. It was honest, it was earnest, and maybe was one of the most recognizable opening TV songs of all time. And now it's gone. Good job fuck-o's. Don't you cunts have something better to do, like another Jager Bomb and a date rape or two? Quit messing with art.

Here they are. Tell me I'm wrong.

The new.



The original.

Hey UConn. Fuck You.

17 to 14. And Larry Taylor, wipe that fucking smile off your face.

Bait and Take!

So the wife, sister-in-law, Duck and I took a weekend vacation. The wife and her sister pushed on to NC to visit a new arrival, while the Duck and I kicked it in VA for the weekend so he can get his shit this week and move back to the beautiful weather, clean river, and GREAT sports teams that is the 'Ville. God I hate this city. I had a great time. But to make a long story kinda short, Saturday was "All Sports Saturday." We awoke around 11, watched some of the 'Arrested Development' marathon on G4, and decided to check out the situation at the local public baseball diamond/football field to either, you guessed it, hit some baseballs or play some football.

When we pulled up, there were 4 (later 5) high school age kids already throwing a football around. They asked if we wanted to play. We said sure. Turns out these kids play on the local high school football team. Only two could actually play. But what makes this story half way interesting (or funny) is that one of the kids who was on our team stood about 4 foot something, was fast as hell, even without proper shoes, and who we were sure was a bit. . . retarded. Well, not TOTALLY retarded, but kinda slow, you know? Two crazy fucking midgets in the past two weekends? How can this be??

His football advice/orders were priceless. Like, "Bait and Take!" wherein you play off a receiver, bait them into getting a pass, and then intercept. Bait and take! We played for like an hour and a half. Our team dominated. I haven't done anything close to exercise since the last time I played a pick up game of football, and that was like a year+ ago, but I didn't suck. I just couldn't breath. Anyway, their youth be damned, we were fucking tired and sore, and had to call it quits. As we were driving away I remarked that I kept wanting to call our short teammate "Eazy" after Compton's own Eric "Eazy-E" Wright. Mixing "Bait and Take!" with Eazy's lyrics provided comedy gold the rest of the weekend. We rested, watched more 'Arrested Development,' watched Kentucky beat LSU (whatever), and then went back up there to hit baseballs for an hour. Then we watched the Red Sox get beat.

Football, football. Baseball, baseball.

I can't feel my shins.

My Weekend.

So two buddies and I saw 'Killers of Comedy' last Friday. Maybe one of the strangest nights of my life. Afterwards, I stole a picture with Beetlejuice (a.k.a. Lester Green). I say "stole" since Beetle yelled at me that I didn't buy a $20 DVD first before taking the picture, which we reassured and lied to him that I did. He responded, "Iiight." Crazy fucking midget.

Ho Hum.

So the new Bionic Woman premiered tonight, or maybe it did last night and I just watched the Tivo tonight. It's strange, I can tell the show is really trying to be good, trying to be dark, but it's just barely interesting. I was disappointed really. The acting was awful, the dialogue was absurd, and the direction, well, the direction was really, really bad. Did I mention the acting was awful? And the new Bionic Woman, Michelle Ryan, isn't hot. At all. She has a GINORMOUS Kirk Douglas chin. What the fuck is the deal with that? No hot chick?? She's got huge love bags, which is cool. Man that sucks. I had really high hopes for the show. Don't know why.

I have a feeling we are going to see a lot more comic book/geek-related shows with Heroes being a hit. Good and bad for me. Good because I am a geek, and bad since like everything else Hollywood fucks up, we'll get saturated with shows, most of which will just plain suck.

Still can't get past how much that Japanese kid annoys the fuck out of me to actually watch that Heroes, but people whom I respect swear by it, so that may be the next viewing after I get finished with Arrested Development and then re-watch Arrested Development 17 more times.

You Motherfucker.

About a month ago or so, I was on my favorite file sharing software which will remain nameless. The purpose of my use that day was, surprisingly, not porn or music downloads. The purpose was to obtain a photo shopping software since I have been wanting to get a version for some time, but refuse to drop the $350 or whatever the hell it is to buy it retail.

I do my search, find the software, download it, and then install it. And then I realize I fucked up. I really fucked up.

I've owned my current computer for about 4 years now. A dinosaur by some standards, but I keep it updated, virus free, running smoothly. I know a pretty decent amount about computers. My dad worked for IBM for 30 years for Christ's sake. I know more about computers than the average shmo,' but not enough to build my own by any means. Anyway, sure enough, I downloaded a big, fat, beautiful package of spy ware. The second I was done installing it was like I flipped the fucking switch on Sky Net. Computer got real slow, nothing would execute, pictures wouldn't open. A few hours later I started getting pop ups, and some whore's voice letting me know I've won a new Ipod. A few days later I basically didn't have a computer.

Only last night did I finally pick the correct anti-spyware which has fixed most of the kinks. Not all of them, but enough. I also finally let go of Internet Explorer and switched to the dark side with Mozilla Firefox. Faster, bigger screen, more options, blah, blah, blah. Uh, dude, do yourself a favor and get Mozilla. You're welcome.

My point is this. Who are these fucking people that sit around and write these programs? Spam, viruses, trojan horses, spy ware. You fucking turds have to be the lowest form of life. First, they have to be geeks, right? This is the true revenge of the nerds. It's not winning Homecoming, it's fucking up everything for the rest of us. Computer terrorist nerds. Whatever, here's the deal. The next time one of you fucks is interviewed on, let's say, television, I will find where you live, come to you, burn your house to the ground, and then stab you in the neck with a pen. I know. Harsh. But these people do not deserve to live. They don't. I'd rather let someone who fucks dogs live next to me, or even eff my dog, than let even one of these motherfuckers live. So as random as your spy ware found me, is as random the next one of you must die. Yes, I downloaded the program, yes, I thought I was stealing the program, and yes, it is directly "my fault." Semantics. You or someone like you wrote the program, and now you or someone like you must die.

Goddamn nerds.

My Theory (The Ladies Edition)

On my last post, yes, as pointed out by someone (Meh!) I failed to include a single chick on the list. As I told her, I had some in mind, but simply forgot to add them. But quite honestly, I can't think of many to put on the list. I just can't. Sure, there are a shit load of women who have made our world better, easier to live in, but that's not the standard.

I will try my best:

Aretha Franklin (she does have the voice of God, she does, but the picture above makes me less hungry)

Virgin Mary (whether a virgin or not)

Madonna

Oprah

Queen Elizabeth I

Joan of Arc

Joan Rivers

It's all I got. I'm sorry.

I love you bitches. I do. Sorry.

My Theory

Since high school, perhaps even earlier when I first experimented with . . . stuff . . . I had an epiphany (of sorts). A moment of clarity that I believe alcoholics refer to as, "Fuck it, I can drive, give me another beer." It was a theory, an unproven, unscientific hypothesis that all great, important, and extraordinary artists, statesmen, musicians, athletes, scholars, scientists, inventors, writers, etc., are, in a word . . . aliens.

I know what you're saying, "Wow, how original." But fuck you and your sarcastic tone. It is an original theory, and some day it will make me mildly to nominally rich. What makes it original, I think, is that I am not referring to just any famous person. No, celebrity is not the standard. I'm not even referring to only good and righteous people. My theory is more complicated than that. What I am saying is that the TRULY gifted, the TRULY extraordinary, whether good or evil, are FUCKING ALIENS.

First, some examples. Then I will explain why.

Albert Einstein

Lincoln
Julius Caesar
Michelangelo
Da Vinci
Mozart
Hitler
George Lucas (although his mother planet removed his brain in 1983, and replaced it with that of a normal, ordinary human brain)
Shakespeare
Jesus
Miles Davis
Attila the Hun
Duane Allman
Ali
Gandhi
Bob Dylan
Roger Federer
James Joyce
FDR
Martin Luther King
Frank Sinatra
John Coltrane
Nixon
Benjamin Franklin
Marlon Brando
Elvis
Pol Pot
Beethoven
Bill Gates
Eddie Van Halen
Me
Pink Floyd
Michael Jordon
Napoleon
Tiger Woods
Lenin
Stalin
Thomas Edison
Stephen Hawking
JFK
Thomas Jefferson
Pele
Babe Ruth
Nero
Beatles/Rolling Stones (not all members of course)
U2
Scorsese
Spielberg

You get the point, and you can probably think of some on your own. But as far as the "why," it is actually quite simple. The theory is that from the beginning of man, aliens have been sent here to advance mankind. That's it. Without aliens, without their extraordinary abilities in a given field, the human race as we know it would not and could not have evolved. Why? Because you, your friend, you parents, your neighbor, every other normal, ordinary human you know and see everyday is not great enough to achieve, think of, or come up with a fraction of this shit. Thus, as mankind has evolved, and when necessary, a new alien is sent to render a new achievement which only before was thought impossible thereby allowing mankind to adapt and grow.

The evil aliens? They are here to keep the balance. Maybe they came here as good aliens and something got fucked up on the trip. I dunno. Are they from their own "evil planet?" What, am I crazy? No idea. What I do know is that mankind, as a species, has very inherent, very noticeable, very real limitations that the ordinary, average, everyday human cannot overcome. You can be a mean guitar player, but you'll never come up with the shit Van Halen, Clapton or Allman did. Can shoot hoops, maybe even got signed to an NBA contract? Who cares and who will remember you 1000 years from now. See also Anderson Varejao blog. You may have great writing ability, but alas you'll never change the world. And that's just it, changing the world, forever altering the course of mankind. As far as why aliens choose to help us along? Also, no idea. Maybe sent by God, a god, the Matrix, I have no idea. All I know is that, in general, they make my life easier to live.

The point is, you or someone you know may be exceptionally talented in a given field. Good for you. Good for them. But no amount of normal human ability can explain Pink Floyd's "Shine On You Crazy Diamond," or every note Miles Davis or John Coltrane ever played, or every word Shakespeare wrote, or every Michelangelo statue sculpted or fresco painted, or every effortless home run Babe Ruth hit. This list is finite, it is small, and it is exclusive. It has maybe 100, maybe less than 100 available spots to date. It is an extraordinary club made up of motherfucking aliens. That's my theory, and if you don't believe me, that's fine. But first you have to explain Professor Stephen Hawking to me fucktard. Exactly.

Whatever, it would make a kick ass comic book at least.

And One Other Thing...

My kid can beat up your dad. And he's not even two.

Simpsons Movie

Saw it. Pretty good, but not great. Honestly, my expectations were huge, but oh well. Not sure how I would digest almost 20 years of backstory either.

Stop It!!

Is anyone else just plain creeped the fucked out looking at John Travolta's mug from Hairspray? Son of a bitch it makes me want to punch something. Those beady little eyes, which are way too close together, that big round hair, fat face, and that god-awful smile. FUCK! I refuse to post a picture here as is the norm for the topic, since I can't bring myself to put you through the terror that is this man-thing, but if you must, here it is in all its creepy, fucked up glory:

http://i53.photobucket.com/albums/g52/Hairspray-Movie-Musical/edna_closeup.jpg

I'm sure Oprah gets all wet looking at this picture, since she loves Travolta I hear. I've also heard she loves to eat box. So there ya go.

And I'm in the pet shop today picking up dog food when that new song from Maroon 5 comes on, and I can't get it out of my head. I can't. The worst song, by possibly the worst band, by possibly the worst band name since Counting Crows. Ever. Who is this music for? Men who like to fuck other men in their assholes? Probably.

Stupid, retarded Travolta.

Spoiler Alert!! Spoiler Alert!!

Like millions of supermodels and children, my wife is retarded about Harry Potter. I'm out at my favorite 24 hour cigar establishment last night, and on my way home I decide to be life giving. It's about 12:34 a.m., and I remember that the new Harry Potter book is on sale. I make a detour to our 24 hour Kroger to see whether they have them in stock so I can pick her up a copy. She'll wake up in the morning, and there it will be, waiting for her. She will be all too grateful, excited, turned on.

Sure enough they have the book. Because I don't read Harry Potter and could give a shit less, I decide to read the last two chapters of the book standing there, alone in Kroger. Harry Potter likes to F other boys. There, I didn't spoil it and told you something you already knew.

And as for the wife's excitement of her morning gift? Let's just say she couldn't have been any less excited than if I had picked her up a pack of cigs and a sixer of Silver Bullet. I'm a schmuck.

We Like To Make Funny T-Shirts

My friends and I love making hilarious T-Shirts. Different pictures, images, characters, etc. You can only imagine the hilarity that ensues. Only imagine.

Thus, send me your CARAZY T-Shirt ideas since I seem to be running out of them. Actually, I'm not running out of ideas, it's just that if someone wants a custom made T-Shirt without all the hassle of paying way too much for the real, licensed thing, then I'm your guy for a reasonable price. Men, women, babies, old people, dead people, doesn't matter. I can meet your funny (or sad) T-Shirt needs.

Yes, I am trying to whore myself out to the world, and dodge copyright law all at the same time. Got a favorite movie character, scene from a movie, band, animal, vegetable, or mineral? Contact me and your wildest dreams will be partially fulfilled.

I Know This Is Distasteful But

Fuck Charlie.

Lightsabers and Alcohol

A friend showed me this. Thanks Sill. Enjoy.

Building On What Someone Else Started

1984 is the best movie year...ever. And if you try to tell me differently, then you are wrong. As usual.

Beverly Hills Cop
Blood Simple
Ghostbusters
The Killing Fields
The Terminator
Amadeus
Indiana Jones And The Temple Of Doom
The Karate Kid
A Nightmare On Elm Street
Once Upon A Time In America
Gremlins
The Muppets Take Manhattan
The Neverending Story
Splash
Top Secret!
Dreamscape
The Natural
Police Academy
Revenge Of The Nerds
Sixteen Candles
Star Trek III: The Search For Spock
Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo (what?)
Red Dawn
Bachelor Party
C.H.U.D.
Purple Rain

I'm sure there might be others, but whatever, you get the point. And "Time Permitting, Frank Sinatra?" Hilarious.

'Entourage' is less and less funny, and HBO is F'd

There I said it. Entourage is becoming increasingly less and less funny. To be honest, while I am pretty much caught up, I didn't really start watching the show (as in, watching every episode) until this last season. Although, this season is technically the next season, since the last season only ended a few weeks ago. Confused? Good.

What kept me from watching it in the first place was the fact that I have a hard time relating to ridiculously rich, late 20 somethings having everything they want, banging whatever hot ass they want, and paying zero dues in the process. I am huge on paying dues. To play the blues you gots to pay them dues.

What made me start watching was Ari, and truthfully, the notion that a group of guys, in spite of how successful one of them has become, are still true friends, share in each other's fortune and misfortune, and yes, bang hot chicks along the way. And to be fair, isn't that what we all want for our friends at the end of the day? Except for some, of course, for as a married man I grow weary of hearing about it all the time. Most of the players on that show, minus Piven and Dillon, can't act worth a shit, but it's still, on the most basic level, "relatable."

And it's funny...at times...but not lately...which worries me...immensely...i am finished...with ellipses.

And that makes me worry for HBO. No more Sopranos, no more Deadwood, no more Rome, and by the looks of the trailers for the new slate of crap coming up, no more good shows. I know it's not TV, but HBO could have learned a thing or three from it's rival broadcast big brothers. Spin offs anyone?? Ahh yes, TV is the master of suckling that sweet teet of broadcast gold until it runs dry with Joey, but there have been successes. Many of them in fact. I know Chase is done with Sopranos, and the cost of producing Deadwood and Rome proved too much to bear, but there's only much so much Cathouse a guy can watch.

So to HBO, stop giving shows to every hack that claims to have an "original" idea. There are no fucking original ideas. Give me an original idea and I'll show you a show that sucks ass. Why? Because it's not relevant, it's not even earnest, and I can't begin to relate to it as a viewer. And how do I know this? Because none of the good shows, at their core, are original. The mob, the old West, and an ancient empire somewhere in or around Italy. It's what you do with what is already unoriginal which makes it original, right? So stop trying to think of "the next big show" our "next Sopranos." You look desperate and it's obvious from the shows you are about to air. Take a deep breath. Find a good writer, pick a topic that actually interests people (death, blood, crime and tits come to mind), and I'll keep watching.

Then again, what the hell do I know? Like it matters what the idea is. Isn't 99.9 percent of this stuff pure luck anyway?

Eat it.